


Pumpkin Problems

by BarPurple



Series: BarPurple's House of Horror 2017 [5]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), The Tournament (2009)
Genre: Gen, Pumpkins, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2019-01-09 10:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12274725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarPurple/pseuds/BarPurple
Summary: There are plenty of rules that come with being a priest, but nobody had ever warned Joseph not to use mysterious knives that you find in the church loft.





	Pumpkin Problems

It all started with a cardboard box, a hungover priest and a high heeled shoe. MacAvoy had been doing well with cutting down the drinking, but after a double funeral yesterday he’d hit the bottle hard. Belle had been there to listen to him rant against the unfairness of God’s plan and sob over the loss of two young lives. A fucking car crash, nobody’s fault, a tire blowing out, a car spinning out of control, and two kids walking to college became the latest deaths on the road. 

His hangover wasn’t as bad as it could have been; Belle had cut him off after only half a bottle and got him to drink a couple of pints of water before he passed out. The pot of coffee and paracetamol he found in the kitchen were a blessing. Belle was an angel, he’d called her that a lot since she’d turned up at his church.

Belle was up a ladder when he shambled into the church hall after two quick cups of coffee. It took him a moment to find her because he was used to seeing all of her, not just her legs dangling out of the loft hatch. Her upper half was struggling with something in the loft, but judging by her constant stream of chatter she was winning. Belle was in one of her usual short skirts, but in deference to the chilly weather she’d teamed it with a thick pair of green and black striped leggings. Joseph realised that he was practically looking up her skirt and averted his eyes with an embarrassed cough, which started Belle. As she slipped down the ladder he darted forward and caught her before she tumbled backwards. He even managed to get an arm up to shield their heads from the box that followed her down the ladder. His yelp of pain and the swearing that followed were caused by Belle’s heel landing squarely on his toe.

“Sweet Mother of God!”

Belle jumped to the side narrowly missing the ladder and removed her heel from his toe. Why in God’s name had she been climbing a ladder in high heels?

“Are you alright, Padre?”

“Ow! Aye, you’re such a wee thing, how did that hurt so much?”

Belle tilted her head to one side; “Small surface area of the heel and my weight makes for a hefty amount of pounds per square inch of pressure.”

He’d understood all the words, but the explanation eluded him, sounded like a maths thing and that had never been his strong point. He gave her a wonky grin; “Just remind me to invest in steel toe caps if we ever dance.”

She gave him a haughty look that was softened by the twinkle of mischief in her eyes.

“I’ll have you know that I am a very graceful dancer.”

With perfect comic timing the universe contrived to prove her words false as she turned and tripped over the box that had fallen from the loft space. Belle sprawled on the floor before he could catch her and landed with an ‘Umph’ that quickly turned into a giggle.

“See, that would have look very graceful if there had been music.”

Joseph crouched down next to her, his hangover headache was throbbing in time with his abused toe, but it was hard to care about while Belle was enthusiastically tearing at the tape that sealed the box.

“What are we hoping to find in here?”

“Halloween decorations for the Youth Club party.”

A sluggish memory stirred through the fog of last night’s whiskey. Belle gave him a small smile; she never chastised him for forgetting things. She had her own problems with memory, and while they weren’t self-inflicted like his, she understood how difficult it could be.

“Mary Margaret spoke to you after Mass on Thursday,” - He gave her a blank look, - “She was wearing that green parker that you think makes her look like a frog.”

That did kick his memory into gear, “Of course I remember now.”

Talking to Mary Margaret, who ran the Youth Club, was still a bit hazy, but he did recall Belle joking that they would have to find him a costume. At least he’d hoped she’d been joking. She won her battle against the tape and tore the box open, sending half a dozen spiders scurrying for the skirting boards.

“Looks like we won’t be short on cobwebs.”

“We’d need an Igor to train them,” – at his puzzled look she explained, - “Discworld Carpe Jugulum, never mind.”

Belle had suggested he read the Discworld book, and he’d been working his way through the series, but that must be one that he’d not got to yet.

“No spoilers.”

“It’s only a tiny one.”

She was already digging in the box, pulling out a number of tatty decorations, but their shabby appearance didn’t put Belle off; “They’re perfect. We’ll go for a ruined haunted house look.”

Joseph poked at the brown paper at the bottom of the box, it was covering a solid something. He lifted it out carefully and offered it to Belle.

“You want to do the honours?”

She gave him an excited grin and tore at the paper. The contents caused them both to frown; a large brass bowl, and a wickedly sharp looking knife.

“Why would these be in with Halloween decorations?”

To be honest he was surprised that there were even decorations in the box, he certainly hadn’t put them up there, at least he didn’t think he had; they had to be left over from the previous priest. Belle’s curiosity meant that she knew the church better than he did.

“It’s got jack-o-lanterns on it.”

He peered at the bowl. Belle’s description was charitable, the grinning faces did look vaguely like carved pumpkins, and they were certainly creepy.

“Punch bowl maybe?”

“Aye, well I don’t know how long it has been in the loft and I don’t need the Bishop breathing down my neck about accidentally poisoning the kids, so let’s just use it as a decoration, hey?”

Belle pulled a face at some of the yuk clinging to the bottom of the bowl; “Yeah, sounds like a plan. That knife might come in handy for carving pumpkins.”

A few days before the Halloween party Joseph discovered his kitchen table had broken out in a lumpy mass of orange and yellow. It turned out that Belle had persuaded the local fruit and veg shop to donate all the wonky and misshaped pumpkins, they now had thirty gourds to carve. Since Joseph had one serviceable kitchen knife the strange knife with its creepy face patterned handle was very useful. Its blade slid into the thick orange skin with ease and it was no effort at all to carve a rough circle lid. He pushed the pumpkin over to Belle who began attacking the insides with a spoon. She giggled at the squelchy feel of pumpkin guts between her fingers as she pulled out a handful and dropped into the brass bowl they’d found.

“A few of those eyeballs I got from the pound shop and maybe one of the fake hands and we’ll have a witch’s stew decoration.”

Joseph wrinkled his nose at the goop in the bowl, “That sounds disgusting.”

“That’s the idea.”

He laughed and began cutting a face into the pumpkin Belle had already scooped out, the mouth was lop-sided, but he hoped that wouldn’t matter. He was concentrating on getting the first eye cut when Belle suddenly grabbed his arm with her pumpkin covered fingers.

“Erm, Padre?”

He followed her pointing finger and gaped at the bowl. Orange smoke was curling from it, and that made no sense at all because pumpkin was far to soggy to burn. The pumpkin he was carving shifted under his hand causing him to jump backwards. The knife was still stuck in the orange skin, but that didn’t hinder the vines that began sprouting from the gourd. Joseph had the presence of mind to drag Belle away from the table. She was shaking a little, but her curiosity was winning out over her fear.

“You are seeing this too, right?”

“Oh aye.”

The vines were twisting around and creating a spindly body. It took the pumpkin creature two attempts to get to its feet. Joseph felt a pang of sympathy for it, as it wobbled drunkenly before it found its balance. That feeling vanished as a leafy hand pulled the knife from its half-carved eye. It stood there starting at them for a very long moment. Joseph almost jumped out of his skin when Belle whispered in his ear; “Do you think we should run?”

That would probably be a great idea, but before Joseph could get his feet to work the pumpkin-man swiftly turned and began hacking at the other pumpkins. If they were going to get out, now was the time to do it. He wrapped an arm around Belle’s waist to help her keep her feet as they backed out of the kitchen; he’d seen enough horror films to know what happened when the pretty woman in high heels tripped. They made it to the kitchen door and through into the living room without the pumpkin-man turning on them.

“What do we do?”

Belle didn’t respond to his frantic whisper. Her head was tilted to one side, her habitual thinking pose. Joseph was glad one of them was keeping a cool head, because all he could think about now was how desperately he needed a drink. 

“It only went for the pumpkins, which was all we put in the bowl.”

Joseph wasn’t following her line of thinking and panicked as she edged along the living room wall behind the sofa. There was a serving hatch in the wall between the kitchen and the living room, a feature from the fifties that had never been altered. Very slowly Belle lifted the latch and eased open the door to peek into the kitchen. She gave a soft chuckle and beckoned him over.  
In the kitchen the pumpkin-man was attacking another pumpkin with terrifying speed. Somehow the off cuts and guts were ending up tidily in the brass bowl, which was still smoking. Along one side of the table were rows of neatly carved, grinning pumpkins. Joseph watched in dumb shock as pumpkin after pumpkin became jack-o-lanterns. 

Their unexpected helper finished the final one and turned to face them. Belle grabbed his arm and Joseph’s fingers found the edge of the hatch door, ready to slam it shut if the thing charged at them. They both winced as it jabbed the knife into its head, right where Joseph had planned to carve the second eye. The leafy hand twisted around and with a wet plop the unwanted piece of pumpkin was pried free and landed in the bowl with a splat. The pumpkin-man gave them both a slow bow, as the knife dropped from the shrivelling vines of its hand. The finished pumpkin settled on the table in line with the others just as the smoke from the bowl trailed away in a final wispy curl.

Belle made a sad little noise, while Joseph breathed a sigh of relief. When they made their way back into the kitchen he carefully poked the pumpkin that had been animated, while Belle considered the now empty bowl.

“I was going to put fake eyes and a severed hand in here.”

Fear gripped Joseph’s chest at the thought of what chaos that might unleash. With shaking hands, he fished his flask from his inside pocket. To his surprise Belle reached out and took it from his hand and helped herself to a fast slug. She handed it back with a small smile.

“I think this time I’m happy to let my curiosity go unsatisfied.”

“Oh, thank God for that.”

The Youth Club’s Halloween Party was a great success, everyone loved the jack-o-lanterns, although nobody understood why Belle and Joseph kept randomly poking them during the evening.


End file.
